Why marry? Why ask questions?

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
I needed to share this post, with my sisters and brothers in Islam.  I understand how frustrating  it has become when looking for a suitable spouse.

We don’t have enough information about them.  All of the sudden mom and dad moved in, because in his culture is the way it should be done.  Or we don’t know about the child, who lives across the country and all of a sudden he/she is knocking at the door.  All of sudden our spouse gets sick and baam, he has diabetes, cancer, or AIDS. You get the picture.  And the best one yet to come, you are Muslim and on a Friday night you are getting dress to go and hang out with your boys or girls.   And at the end we don’t consult with our Lord, Allah subhana wa talah, we take on ourselves to say this is the one.  Think, and think hard, a temporary marriage, for the wrong reasons or a long healthy one with the blessings of Allah talah?

I am just saying, what you saying?

Questions to ask a prospective husband

When choosing a partner, there are many issues which may lead to friction and conflict. Following the principle that prevention is better than cure, it seems wise to air these issues before a match is finalized. Some of the issues may seem trivial or mundane, but the stuff of everyday life is also the stuff of arguments! Other issues are more serious, and may be indicative of the potential for a stormy and abusive marriage. Each marriage will have its ups and downs, but settling some of these matters may avoid the emergence of major, insoluble problems and consequent heartbreak.

These are all questions that may be asked directly or else “researched” by observation, asking his relatives, members of the community, etc. The prospective bride may ask some of these questions when the couple meet, but many women may feel too shy to ask outright. Family or friends can also help with the research – in many Muslim countries, relatives of prospective partners often visit to check the person out!

Asking/answering such questions is not gheebah or backbiting, and people should not hesitate to tell the truth when it concerns a possible marriage; the intent is to establish whether these two people are compatible. Avoiding a poor match will save all concerned from much heartache. At the same time, whether the marriage proceeds or not, any information thus gathered should be kept confidential – any “faults” uncovered should not be generally broadcast in the community!

These suggested questions are derived from two sources: an article entitled “Spousal Abuse and its Prevention” by Br. Abdul Rehman in Islamic Sisters International, and the feedback I received during a workshop I led on “Choosing a Marriage Partner” at the ISSRA Conference on Health and Social Issues, Toronto, May 25, 1996.

The Big Issues:

(1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?

Does he blame everybody but himself?

Does he stop talking to the person involved?

Does he bear grudges (“I’ll get him back one day!”)

Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry?

Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?

Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?

(2) How does he behave during a crisis?

Does he blame everyone except himself?

Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam?

What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure?

Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?

(3) How does he feel about women’s rights in a Muslim home?

Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother?

Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How?

Did he believe that his father was always right?

Does he believe that all women deserve abuse?

How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends?

Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?

Does he stick firmly to his decisions?

(4) How does he deal with money matters?

Does he save his money for the future?

Does he give money to charities?

When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?

How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?

(5) What does he expect from his wife and children?

How would he react if his expectations are not met?

What is his vision of family life?

Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?

Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?

Ibn Uthaymeen: “Do not Marry 7 types of Women …”

 

*Do not Marry 7 types of Women* *1. Al-Annaanah: * The woman who whines, moans and complains and ‘ties a band around her head’ all the time (i.e. complains of a headache or some illness but in reality she is not sick, rather she is faking). *2. Al-Mannaanah: * The woman who bestows favours, gifts, etc. upon her husband then (at that time or the future) says; “I did such and such for you or on your behalf or because of you. *3. Al-Hannaanah: * The women who yearns or craves for her former husband or children of the former husband. *4. Kay’atul-Qafaa: * The women who has a brand mark on the nape of her neck (i.e. has a bad reputation or doubts about her). *5. Al-Haddaaqah: * The women who cast her eyes at things (i.e. always looking at something to purchase, then desires it and requires her husband to buy it (No Matter What). *6. Al-Barraaqah: * The women who spends much of her day enhancing her face and beautifying it to such an extent that it will seem like it was manufactured. *7. Al-Shaddaaqah: * The woman who talks excessively. . Taken from the Book: ‘A Concise Manual of Marriage’ by *Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen

Marriage or Knowledge?

Author: Shaikh Rabee’ Bin Haadee Al Madkhalee (may Allah keep him)

Source: www.rabee.net Translator: Abu ‘Abdis Salaam Siddiq Al Juyaanee

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Q: Which should come first; seeking knowledge or getting married, taking into consideration that I can’t be patient on remaining unmarried?

A: If you can be patient then learn (i.e. seek knowledge) and be patient. Meaning, “Seek knowledge before you denigrate” as Umar (radi Allah ‘Anhu) said; this is because marriage hinders some people from seeking knowledge. When they get married they leave off seeking knowledge and their diligence departs.

However, if you have the ability to combine between these two beneficial matters, then good (do so); as for the one who knows that which is within him and views that he will commit vile acts, fornicate etc, then by Allah, for him to marry, safe guard himself and remain chaste takes precedence.

Our family

What is family time?
Today society has no time away from work, some rather be at work than home. Some will love to be home but is impossible because of a job requirments. Governments has made sure, the family structure divides, is destroyed. Making the cost of living so high, mothers can not afford to stay home even if the husband works. (Muslims and non-believers equally) At times the role is reversed, the husband staying home and the mother been the sole providers on the household. Having mothers working over 40 hours a week and fathers resenting every day more. The moms are tired, the dads are tired and the children are in front of the television, and the teenager runs out of the house with friends. Then again the teenager is the one left to take care of the little ones, creating a false sense of responsibility. Making our teenager feel they are ready for such a task. Ask any teen mom, what they use to do at home. They will answer,” Take care of my brothers and sisters, cook and clean…..” So, what are you expecting this teen to do? (That will be another subject) The family structure is pulverize, for progress (that we don’t see at home, because we still living paycheck trough paycheck), technology (some families can not afford a computer), all the wants and not one need is provided. We are working so hard and at the end we leave a trial behind. Of broken hearts, promises and lives. All for the wants in our lives, nothing else. We wonder why my child runs away. Why my child is in a gang? Why my child is not praying? Or why my daughter is pregnant at 15? May Allah protect our families. Why my husband is cheating? Or why my husband has another wife that has 6 kids? or why American Muslim women are marring brothers from other countries, why my wife wants a divorce, I am a good man who stays at home and helps around the house.(Brother please get a job.) Again that will be another subject. In life nothing is easy but it can become easier if we follow the Qur’an and the Sunnah of our Prophet. This subject not only affects the non-believer it also affects the Islamic communities in westernized countries. Allah Subhana Wa Tallah never place a burden heavier that we can bear.

Lets try to do something’s together, as a family:

1. The family as a whole should have a “sit down” to learn the family needs.  All the members that can, should make a list, the older siblings should help the younger ones. A need list is a things that will draw the family together, were little or no money is need it. Time for conversation between family members, learning something new (Surah, Ayat, how to sew and knit, color, or even wash the family car, clean the yard, bake a cake)

2. Mom and Dad time. Making time for each other is essential. Ask from each other favors, things that you can do for your spouse. (Fix a nice bath, a good message, indoor dinner for two, wake up early enough so everyone can pray Fajar, send the kids to bed again and you have sometime alone before the day starts) Learn how a Muslim marriage works together to help each other and all the members of the family. If mom and dad are not in order the family falls . Keep life simple. Stop arguing about simple stuff. If the tension is such that you both know that help is need it, ask for it. Make sure you talk about it, and seek the help of a professional. It might help. Know your limitations. Buy informational Islāmic books that address the topic of family and marriage. Pray, Pray and then pray some more. Allah subhana wa tallah will answer your prayers.

3. Take time separately. You like to read, he likes sports. You like to spend time with the sisters once a week, reading, studying, cooking together, and sewing. Make time for an activity. He likes to go and spend time with the brothers, doing whatever men do when they get together. So compromise, once a week you go and he takes care of the children and does things with them and then is your turn. Like that you are away from each other doing the right thing and enjoy the company of an adult.

I saw a documentary about Egyptian women, one of the topics was beautifying themselves for their husbands. They go and visit each other and they dye their hair, buy pretty clothing together, and other things that I will not mention here. The fact is women in Egypt do it why can you and be beautiful and less stress for your husband and family?

Family life is not an I, or woman issue. Is a we and together, family issue. Decisions were made together not alone and that is the way a Muslim family should live.

khadijah falak