It has been a very long time since I felt so tired of everything.  I don’t want to go to no more doctors, or the psychiatrist or the therapist, even to the pain management doctor.   I think I am going insane, all this pain and feeling of despair.  I am afraid of thinking, afraid of crying, afraid of my feelings.  I thought this blazing fire inside my head was going to extinguish sooner or later.  I know now, is going to take more than just a few pills or talks to feel a new, free.  I want to feel the heat of the sun, the smell of something sweet and the touch of silk.  I need to purge myself from this vain world and come to a closure from this insanity, call life. Not dying but reviving, the deen of Islam within me.

I need to live, I need air to breath, I need love to survive and I need Allah subhana wa tallah in my life.  Is not easy to agree with these thoughts, but one thing for sure is Islam save my soul. So, Islam save my soul, but why I feel like I am lost, with no purpose in life. 

Yes, Allah Ta’ala created me for the greatest purpose to praise Him over everything and everyone.  To assure never to associate any other with Him, to free myself from shirk.  To free myself from the most horrible crime one can commit against Allah Ta’ala.  Then I hear what I could never understand, Jesus is the lord and savior of human kind.  He died for our sins, how can a man die for sins I committed?  The Qur’an says, I am not responsible for your sins and you are not responsible for mine.  How can anyone intercede for another when our return is with Allah subhana wa Ta’ala?  We give so much thought to a simple order, which can make the difference between the Hellfire and Paradise. When our boss order us to do some work, we make sure is done quickly and  no questions asked.  So why is it, when Allah Ta’alah gives us a specific order, we decided we want to think about it, look for more information, confirm what He has already established in each one of His books. 

When ignorance became part of our  lives?  I believe ignorance became us when we felt comfortable accepting everything we heard growing up.  We are like leaves in the wind, just moving with the motion and wherever the wind takes us, we are all right. We don’t see the wider picture, because we feel comfortable with what we know.  Regardless if is right or wrong.  If it works for us all these years, why change now?  We are face with the truth, the recognizable truth and we want to argue, and we want to debate everything.  Knowing very well we are not fit for these so call debates. Because our truth is diluted and not easy recognizable we are in need to acquire knowledge. Because, everything we thought it was the base for our life is just a mere lie.  The truth will make us or break us.  It will enslave us or freed us from our present state.  The state of ignorance, were are taken trough all of our lives, the untruth given to us since birth.  


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Boricua Muslimah

Graduate from Rutgers Newark. Journalist, photographer and videographer.

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